Ep. 23: I Hate the 80’s

Why are we, as a society, so nostalgic for things that weren’t even that good in the first place? Who even gives a shit about pet rocks- I mean seriously. In the midst of all of the Ready-Player-One-80’s-porn-neon-nonsense sit 4 grumpy assholes, ready to tear apart everything you nerds hold so dear: your pop culture knowledge. It’s dumb, sucker!

In this episode, we take a look at some Garbage Pail Kids cards, talk shit about RP1, hear how Desirae used to torture kids with the monstrous ALF, and generally complain about remakes of our personal favorite classics. Grab your trapper keeper, lace up those Reeboks, and get ready to hate the 80’s.

 

                          

Ep. 22: Movie Predictions 2018

If there is one thing these a$$holes love to do, it is pick apart movies. This time they try it out with movies they haven’t seen and probably never will. 2018 is bound to be a shit year for movies, just like 2017, 2016, and so on.

Listen to the assholes imagine what Don would be like in prison once they get bored poking fun at:
and probably a few others that we all will flush from our memories the minute after streaming them on Netflix while we look at our phones, because no one is actually watching this shit.

Ep. 21: Careers in the Apocalypse

The GOA is prepared for the end of the world. They have combed popular culture, and have a career solution for every type of apocalyptic future you can imagine. During the inevitable rebuilding of civilization, each of us will need a job in order to keep the rat meat on the campfire and the weapons under our rock pillows. Don has a creative plan to make weapons he can barter with, Kevin will counsel those who remain, Desirae will probably either get stuck teaching or cleaning up after everyone, while Matt will fuck your toaster, free of charge.

What skills will you utilize in the bleak and miserable future to keep your pathetic life crawling along?

Star Wars EP. 20: WHITE CHOCOLATE DILDO

Are you sick of Star Wars yet? We sure are, even though we are t-minus 3 days until the premiere of Ep. 8: The Last Jedi. We have a hodge-podge of Star Wars nonsense we address, including: Adam Driver, the white chocolate dildo; a Holiday Special reboot starring CGI Tarkin and Miley Cyrus; the most unfortunate immersive experience Disney could offer at their theme park; Elan Sleazebaggano; and we tie it all up by recasting Hook with the lumpyest Star Wars characters.

Porkins is the pan.

Ep. 19: Low Tide

In episode 19, the assholes have really hit their stride. Piggy-backing on the immense success of the teen-paranormal-romance genre thanks to Twilight, we have a new and far better love story to tell. We’ve all seen the memes, everything is a better love story than Twilight, and ours is no exception to that rule. Inspired by the splendor that is Bigfoot erotica (real) and coupled with Desirae’s deep burning love for Riverdale (also real), this new series is everything that Twilight was but MORE: bigger, grosser, and oh so much more satisfying (sexually). Take our hands as we walk you through our superlative, erotic, new paranormal romance series, Low Tide.

 

Rico (Gilman)

 

 

Ashton (Muckman)

 

Karen (sucks)

 

Shelly (better than Karen)

Ep. 18: 3010 A Space Nightmare

In this SPOILER leaden episode, the a$$holes relive the glory and mastery of the lesser-known sequel 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Because Matt has never seen it, we take him on a circuitous journey through the plot (sort of) and foray on our own odyssey to create a Kubrick themed EU housed by the many satellites of Jupiter. Yeah, it’s hard to follow. A little like the original movie…

 

Ep. 17: Sad Con 2: The Movie

 

In episode 17, the assholes revisit the national disaster that was Sad Con. We plan for a second, sadder year, and simultaneously plot and cast the movie adaptation. Whether you are familiar with Sad Con Year 1 or not, this is a truly miserable experience, no background knowledge needed! Come to Sad Con 2, get a too-small t-shirt, win a Droopy award, and Live or Die- the choice is yours.

Hey- Fuck you guy from Brazil who had nothing positive to say about the first incarnation of Sad Con.

 

Ep. 16: Celebrity Heights #SpectralCohabitation

 

Welcome to episode 16! In this month’s installment we treat you to the plot of yet another film too awesome to get made. This time we are lampooning the Denver housing market, poking fun at the Colorado pot-refugees, and going all in on murdering celebrities to increase property values. Yep, we went there. Celebrity hauntings = the next logical step in exciting real estate amenities. And just imagine how many likes you could get on Instagram with your spectrally enhanced RiNo loft! #SpiritualCohabitation

Whether you live in Colorado or not, we think you will enjoy a Rick Moranis/Jessica Lange vehicle (with a cameo by Earth, Wind and Fire?? Count me in!) setting the celebrity bar LOW with this playful, yet murderous, dig into the seedy side of real estate.

For your reference:

An actual house listing

Dealin’ Doug

Jake Jabs

Rocky’s Auto Crew

Blinky the Clown

 

Ep. 15: Dangle Spanx: Sex in the Star Wars Universe

 

What the hell is on Hera’s head? This is the question that started it all. That, and the realization that her lekku jiggle on Rebels. 

That show is animated, and yet she jiggles away. Why? This lead to more and more questions, such as:

You ever notice that Twi’Lek’s are one of the only sexualized types of non-human aliens in Star Wars? Have you wondered where the lines of taboo are drawn? Is it socially acceptable for a human to date a wookiee? What about bone a Mon Calamari? An Ewok? If so, you are a sicko-nerd-pervert. So are we.

Laugh at us as we explore sex in the Star Wars universe.

For reference:

Hera’s Head Crotch:

   

Oola in the Rancor Pit

Droopy McCool:

 

Sy Snootles:

Max Rebo Band:

Ballchinnian at the Cantina:

Weird Jabba Orgy Photo:

Dick Nose (Garindan)

Hologram from Holiday Special

 

 

 

Ep. 14: i’m lovin’ it

True to form the a$$holes create yet another film that is just too awesome to get made. Picture this: everyone’s favorite whipping boy, Jake Lloyd as a grittier, sadder, darker version of the red-headed, commercial clown that has been creeping us all out for years, Ronald McDonald.  After all, all of our other favorite characters are getting the Frank Miller treatment- darkening up their stories, adding grit and dirt and drug addictions to their cannon, why not ol’ Ronny McD?

Take a trip with us into the seedy underbelly of fast food, into the tormented psyche of a depressed clown, into the world made possible by hackneyed directors with zero tricks left in their bags. Welcome to McDonald’s 2.0